I'm sitting on the third floor of the business library, surrounded by books I don't think anyone has ever read. I have a bit of a headache that I should probably tend to. I'm nursing the remains of a surprisingly good chai tea latte, purchased in the basement of an entirely different library across campus. And I am alone.
Two weeks ago, I began this post optimistically before remembering that college is difficult and exams turn free time into a distant memory. So now I'm sitting comfortably in my queen-sized bed at home, pajamas on, hair wrapped, tea scalding. And still I am alone.
I developed an interesting relationship with solitude upon starting college. Unlike many of the people I've met, I'm actually good friends with my roommates--and when emotional closeness coincides with physical closeness, since we all live in the same room, aloneness becomes a distant memory. Why ever be on my own if I don't have to? The majority of my friends now live less than 45 seconds away from me. I just have to slide a "come through" message in the group chat and I'm surrounded by people before I can even set my phone down.
Shifting to this incubator-esque living environment wasn't nearly as jarring as I would have thought after spending so long living in, you know, my own house. Isn't this every kid's dream? To live in a neighborhood with all your friends for maximum good times? I've become far too accustomed to never having to do anything alone. No matter where I'm headed, I can count on somebody to either join me now or be in the mood to go later. It's efficient, sure. But it's draining. And kind of weird. Very weird, actually. At what other point in my life will I live like this? Probably (hopefully) never. I've enjoyed this peculiar way of life for the year that it was necessary, but I'm glad to be done with it.
We all inevitably take on the little quirks and character traits that we see in the people with whom we spend the bulk of our time. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become difficult to define and maintain any kind of individual persona if one is never alone with one's thoughts. As summer yawns ahead of me I look forward to reconnecting with the goons I loved so dearly in high school, but I'm even more excited for this chance to focus on the most important person in my life. Me, of course. I've changed immensely over the past year and am proud of the direction in which I'm headed, but I'm also keenly aware of how directly my growth is tied to the amount of time and energy I put into myself. Deliberate introspection is key, yet how can anyone think critically about herself if she's constantly dealing with others? She can't. And so she remains stagnant. None of us can afford to stand still for too long in this constantly moving world.
On another note, spending too much time with others can lead one to forget that none of us has to always be with The Group in order to be a part of it. There have been far too many occasions in which I've had friends become irritated with me because I went to get food without telling them, as if they aren't equally capable of getting up and walking to Chipotle. When we depend on companionship to validate our presence, we often rob ourselves of our own agency without realizing it. The fact of the matter is that
You'll get a hell of a lot more done if you just do it without waiting for your friends to accompany you, and
No one is watching you eating alone and thinking you're a loser. Get over yourself.
There's a lot of anxiety that comes with being alone--I'm no stranger to the emotion. However, moving from the 1600 students at my high school to the 38,000 students at my university definitely smacked me in the face with an acute feeling of small fish, big pond. Simply put, there are too many folks out here doing what they need to do and focusing on themselves for me to waste my time worrying about them. They certainly aren't worrying about me! And the same goes for all of us. It's ridiculous to hold oneself back from studying, shopping, or going for a run alone because of a useless fear that the unknown masses will think you're a loser. The only losers here are the people too scared to allow themselves to take the necessary steps to grow. Don't be that guy.
So. Choosing solitude can be intimidating when so many of us fear ostracization, but it grants us the necessary space to breathe, grow and figure out who we really are. Take time to yourself, man. You need it. I'll see y'all next time.
LØTA